Genesis 2-11

Okay, so I have a little bit of a confession to make: I've never actually read the Bible the entire way through. Sure, in my wild and misspent youth I would occasionally decide to make a pact with myself to read the entire Bible cover to cover, but I would rarely make it out of Genesis before giving up. My personal record is all of Genesis and about two thirds of the way through Exodus.
However, I don't feel all that guilty about that though, because I have a dirty little secret that will rock the foundations of religion itself: Nobody has ever read the Bible front to back. Ever. Not even the Pope. It's boring as hell. Sure, some people might claim to have read the whole thing, but then they give themselves away by spouting some nonsense about how God is love or whatever. They can't fool me, because as someone who has personally read almost two entire books in the Bible, I can tell you God is kind of a dick sometimes. Hell, if you're talking Old Testament only, he's a dick most of the time.

Anyway, now that we have that out of the way, I present to you Genesis Chapters 2 through 11:

Genesis 2

So finally God had finished his work, and he decided to take a day off. In order to avoid being called a lazy bastard by all the other gods, he decided to declare the seventh day a day off for everyone. That way, people would be too busy jet skiing in Lake Heaven to harp on God's lack of work ethic.

After that, though, God had his work cut out for him. You see, it turns out that although God is great at the creating stuff thing, he sucks at planning ahead. Since he had failed to make it rain and had likewise failed to create some creature smart enough to work the fields for him, he had to do all that shit himself. So, because God didn't want to have to keep working the fields himself (I swear I am not making this up), he created Man. Then, he planted a garden specifically for the man to toil over. He also created a bunch of rivers, and put Man in the middle of everything to keep the place up, so as to protect the Divine Resale Value.

In order that Man should have lots of shade, God planted tons of trees. God told Man he could eat whatever he wanted, but please don't go near the tree of knowledge of good and evil, because that's where God kept his porn stash. Then, although God had already formed every beast and bird on Earth in the previous chapter, he decided to do so again for no readily apparent reason, and brought them all to Adam (oh, did we mention Man's name was Adam? No? Oh, well it is). The wording of this passage suggests he was really bringing forth all these animals so Adam could pick one to do the nasty with, but unfortunately Adam wasn't big on bestiality, so he found no "help meet for him". Seriously, that's what it says.

Frustrated with Adam's high standards, God chloroforms him and takes out one of his ribs and forms a woman with it, modeled in the image of God's Real Doll.

Genesis 3

Lo and behold, it turns out that God had decided to make snakes along with all the other animals. Not just any snakes mind you, but talking snakes. So, eventually one of these talking snakes decides to talk to the woman and convince her that God is a filthy liar, and that eating from the tree of knowledge actually won't kill anyone, but will instead only allow them to know the difference between good and evil. As it turns out, the serpent is actually telling the truth and God was in fact lying through his immaculate teeth, but we're still supposed to consider the serpent a villain. Okey dokey then.

Anyway, the woman decided to not only eat, but also rope her husband in as well, and thus they both learned the horrors of knowledge: Suddenly, instead of gallivanting around in the buff all over the garden, they decided they shouldn't really be seeing each others' naughty bits. Not only that, they began to suspect this whole naked people in a garden thing was really just a way for God to make some extra cash with a webcam peep show, and thus decided to start hiding themselves from God. Of course, this made God and his accountant very angry, so he came down to see what the deal was.

Upon being confronted by God, Adam immediately rats out his wife, and the wife blames the snake, who by this point has escaped with God's porno to a knothole in the Tree of Life for a little alone time. In response, God curses Adam for being stupid enough to listen to his wife, and curses his wife for being a disobedient bitch.

Then, to make matters worse, God dispatches a couple of angels with giant swords to keep Adam and Eve (the wife's name is Eve, by the way, although we didn't find that out until a couple of verses ago) from eating from the Tree of Life, which supposedly would make them live forever. However, since God has already been shown to be something of a fibber, the Tree of Life more than likely would have just given them herpes or something.

Genesis 4

So it came to pass that Adam and Eve did fucketh, and out of their loins came Cain and Abel. Abel took care of sheep for a living, which is a fairly easy job. Basically, you let the sheep eat grass, and you make sure they don't go wandering off a cliff, and you're all set. Cain, on the other hand, busted his ass growing crops in the ground. Anyway, Abel decides to murder an innocent sheep to sacrifice to God, while Cain sacrifices some of the crops he's worked his ass off on for months. Unfortunately, God is a carnivore, and tells Cain he needs to come up with some meat pronto, or no blessings for him. So, since Cain didn't raise animals, he made the next logical choice: He made meat out of his brother.

So God found out about this, and instead of being pleased with the sacrifice of human meat, he cursed Cain to go live away from his family in misery in a land called Nod, which apparently existed even though the bible said there were only four people on Earth at this point. I mean seriously, what the fuck guys. We went from four people on the whole planet to suddenly a whole other country where Cain could hang out, meet a wife, and pop out some kids. The rest of the chapter is just a bunch of nonsense about how all these previously nonexistent people went on to have more kids, and so on and so forth.

Genesis 5

A bunch of people had a bunch of kids. A bunch of people lived for a ludicrously long amount of time. Eventually, Noah was born. Yay.

Genesis 6

At this point, God decided the population was getting out of hand, and decided to decree that men would only live to 120 years old. Also, he was about to go on vacation, so if someone could maybe feed the cats every so often, that would be great, and he would see everyone in a few millennia.

Also, there were giants on the earth. For whatever that's worth. I don't know, someone thought it was worth mentioning. Also, sometimes daughters of men would have kids with these giants and they would be great men whose births must have hurt like a motherfucker.

Anyway, God eventually decided that men were a bunch of evil bastards, probably because not enough of them were sacrificing sheep to him, and decided to destroy everyone and take a mulligan on this whole Earth thing. Unfortunately, God owed Noah a big favor, and couldn't just kill him along with everyone else. So, God told Noah to make a three story ship and cram two of every living thing into it, because even though God wanted to destroy men, he was really in no mood to go through that whole creation thing again. So Noah, who apparently didn't mind the overpowering stench of animal feces, agreed to build the boat.

Genesis 7

God, apparently deciding Noah agreed a little too quickly for his liking, changes the rules a bit in this chapter. Instead of Noah bringing two of every animal, now Noah has to bring seven of every clean animal, including birds, and two of every unclean animal. Noah, being a six hundred year old man (seriously!) was nevertheless one hell of a trouper, because he did everything God asked him to, and in return he got to spend 190 days (40 days of rain, and another 150 to wait for things to dry off) in a rickety wooden boat with thousands of smelly animals (such as his sons and their families. Zing!)

Anyway, everything else on Earth died. Sucks to be them.

Genesis 8

Eventually, God remembered he had sent this Noah guy to drift around on a boat, and decided to dry up the waters and let the boat crash into a mountain. For a month or two, Noah sent out various birds to find dry land. Eventually they did, and Noah released all the animals. Then, Noah decides to take several of the animals he's been carting around all over the world for 6 months and burn them to make God happy. Because if there's one thing God loves, it's a barbecue. After a long night of beer and burnt goat flesh, God agrees not to destroy the whole Earth again because, as the very special episode of Friends he had watched the previous Thursday had taught him, man was inherently evil, and as the creator of Man it was not cool for him to punish them for the nature he himself hoisted on them in the first place. And thus God learned a valuable lesson. Filmed in front of a live studio audience.

Genesis 9

After the flood, God told Noah and his family that they should go out and eat whatever animals they wanted, and don't worry because PETA wasn't going to be invented for several thousand years yet. He also decided that his previous promise not to destroy the Earth wasn't good enough, so he brought forth a little bling in the form of a rainbow as a symbol of his promise not to go drowning everyone again.

So it came to pass that Noah decided to make wine and, being the first person to have come up with the idea of fermenting grapes, got pretty loaded and fell asleep naked in his tent. One of his sons, Ham, found him that way and told his brothers, who covered him up. Noah, waking up with the mother of all hangovers, learned that his son Ham had seen him naked and, as any reasonable father would do, sold Ham's entire family line into slavery under his brothers as punishment. Noah lived a whole helluva lot longer, and finally kicked it. End of Chapter 9.

Chapter 10

A whole bunch of generations were born, and evidently lots of time passed. For whatever reason, people developed different languages and someone got the bright idea to name one of their kids Nimrod, thus inventing the wedgie. That's about all that's going on in this chapter.

Chapter 11

At this point the whole Earth all spoke one language. Wait a minute, didn't the last chapter just say that people developed their own tongues? What the fuck happened to that?

Anyway, as usually happens when you get a large group of people together, some really crazy ideas took shape. The people decided to build a big tower so as to reach Heaven, since God was no longer returning anyone's phone calls. God, not liking the idea that these uppity humans could come up with a clever idea if they worked together, destroyed the tower and confused everyone so they all started speaking different languages. This made the Tower of Babel Reunion Party a real ordeal.