Genesis 1: Translated

Genesis 1

In the beginning, God created heaven and earth. God created heaven because he needed a place to live, as the '76 Pacer he was living in at the time was getting a little cramped. The reasons for creating the earth are thus far unexplained.

The earth in its initial design was formless and generally uninteresting. So, God decided to create light. He created night and day, and wisely decided to let the whole thing sit for a 24 hour "burn-in" period, just to make sure everything was kosher.

On the second day, God created the firmament, which he called Heaven. Since he already created a heaven on the first day, we have to assume this second Heaven was something of a do-over. As we'll see throughout the Bible, God is a big fan of do-overs, at least when he's the one screwing up. God makes a special point to keep water up there in Heaven, because he's a big jetskier. This concludes the second day.

On the third day, God decided to create dry land that would rise above the water that he had apparently created at some earlier point. God called the land Earth, and the water Sea, which shows He has something of a creative flair. But then again, what would you expect from a god named God?

Having decided creating all that land wasn't enough for one day, God decided to go ahead and plant some trees while he was at it. He created grass and other various plants. He also created hayfever, since, as we will see many times over the course of the Bible, God has something of a sick sense of humor. So ends the third day.

On the fourth day, God created two lights in the sky to rule over day and night. This is despite the fact that he had already created light, and had already differentiated between day and night. Furthermore, one of these lights, as we would later find out, wasn't really an independent light source at all. Actually, it was just reflecting the light from the first source (the Sun). We can only assume this was done because God is lazy. So endeth the fourth day.

On the fifth day, God created a bunch of sea creatures and birds. Other than His apparent affinity for whales (is that a fat joke directed at Mrs. God?), nothing else interesting happened on the fifth day. Oh, except God tells all the sea creatures to get it on. But really, what's so interesting about whales humping?

On the sixth day, God created all the land animals, including cows and spiders. Not a lot of detail as to what was created here, but since this is Friday, and God tends to check out around noon on Fridays, this is not surprising.

Later that same day, God decided to create humans in his own image. We assume this is because it was already getting late, and he was eager for the weekend and didn't want to come up with some entirely new design. Since they were in his own image, he decided unilaterally to give humans dominion over everything. This is what nepotism gets you, people. No mention is made of ribs or creating male before female or anything like that. God just popped out a couple of kids and called it good.

Thus ends Genesis Chapter 1.