Genesis 21-28

Genesis 21

So it came to pass that God impregnated Sarah. I mean, Abraham impregnated Sarah. Yah, that’s the ticket.

Anyway, however it happened, Sarah had a son. Feeling somewhat roped into God’s suggestion because of the whole Miracle Birth thing, Abraham named the son Isaac, even though he had been secretly hoping his first legitimate son would be called Bluto.

Abraham then lopped off part of “Little Isaac” in deference to God’s command, and then gave the baby to Sarah to breastfeed. Given that Sarah was an old crone by this point, she likely was giving Isaac powdered milk. At any rate, she managed to keep the kid alive until he could be weaned, and Abraham threw a party because of it.

Sarah saw Hagar, who was busy minding her own business, and decided to heckle her for daring to have Abraham’s illegitimate son, even though Sarah herself had told Hagar to do so. Sarah heckled Hagar so much that she felt compelled to leave, and took off with her son Ishmael for greener pastures.

Unfortunately for her they were in the Middle East, and there were no greener pastures for hundreds of miles. She wandered around for a while until she ran out of water, and eventually gave up. Since she assumed her and her child were about to die, she did the logical thing and dumped the baby in a bush so she wouldn’t have to actually see him kick the bucket.

Fortunately for Hagar, God decided life would be boring without Muslims and decided to save Ishmael. So, God moved some branches out of the way and showed Hagar a well, and thus Ishmael was saved. God took Ishmael under his wing and taught him to be an archer, which would come in handy when God demanded Ishmael sacrifice all those sheep later on.

It came to pass that Abimelech (Remember him? The sucker who couldn’t get it up for Sarah earlier?) found Abraham still hanging out on his land, and begged Abraham not to lie to him again. Abraham agreed, but then started bitching about a well that he had been using until some of Abimelech’s people had decided to take it away from him. So, to recap, Abimelech gave Abraham a bunch of shit so he would stop trying to get Abimelech cursed by God, and instead of being happy with what he got, Abraham starts bitching about a well. Right on, Abraham.

Anyway, Abimelech promised to dig another well for Abraham in exchange for some sheep. Since the well’s water was of high enough quality to use in the brewing of some choice booze, the land it was on was called Beersheba.

Genesis 22

So it came to pass that God got bored one day, and decided to tell Abraham to sacrifice his only legitimate son Isaac. To add insult to injury, God ordered Abraham to travel for a long ass time and climb a giant mountain and sacrifice his son there. Abraham, not being the sharpest knife in the drawer, obeyed without question. His son, on the other hand, was a little quicker on the draw and asked his dad what was up. Like any good father, Abraham lied and told Isaac they were just going to sacrifice some sheep. When Isaac asked where the sheep were, Abraham claimed that God himself was going to provide them and stop asking questions. Assuming that God just happened to like Abraham’s grilling technique, Isaac accepted this explanation and went along with his father.

At the top of the mountain, Abraham pulled the old switcheroo and bound Isaac up, piled wood on him, and prepared to fricassee his own son.

Deciding that enough was enough, an angel of the Lord jumped out at the last minute, shouted “April Fools!” and told Abraham to take his son and take off down the mountain because God was totally satisfied that Abraham was a mindless sycophant now that would not hesitate to do anything he was asked.

So Abraham went back to Beersheba, and some unknown person showed up to tell him a bunch of boring information about his various relatives, none of which is of even the slightest importance.

Genesis 23

After sticking to God’s previously mandated lifespan of 120 years (okay, 127 years, but who’s counting), Sarah croaked. Abraham, being a habitual mooch, asked the sons of Heth for a place to bury his wife. The children of Heth, knowing what happened to people who messed with Abraham, offered him any tomb he could find.

So, Abraham picked a cave to bury Sarah in, and offered Ephron (apparently the real estate agent) four hundred shekels of silver for the property. Ephron, not wanting to risk eternal damnation, told Abraham the land was crap anyway, so no payment was needed. Suddenly deciding he should start paying for the stuff he took, Abraham paid Ephron anyway, and planted his dead wife in a cave that he now owned free and clear.

Genesis 24

It came time for Isaac to get hitched. Abraham, being an unrepentant racist, sent one of his servants to his own country to find a wife of their own kind, rather than allowing his son to marry one of those filthy degenerate Canaanites. So, the servant went off and wandered for a while. Eventually, he found a watering hole. Apparently sick of looking, the servant told God he would take the next woman who showed up at the oasis and bothered to show even the slightest modicum of respect to him and his camels.

Luckily, before long, Rebekah showed up. She not only gave the camels some water, but also had a superfluous “h” in her name, and thus was clearly the right choice for Isaac’s wife.

Abraham’s servant gave Rebekah a bunch of gold jewelry and asked for lodging for the night. Rebekah ran off to ask her brother Laban if the strange man who was giving out jewelry could stay at their house. Noticing the fancy jewelry, Laban decided to let the servant stay.

In need of some filler, the servant proceeded to tell Laban and Rebekah the purpose for his visit in incredibly long-winded fashion. Seriously, he repeated stuff that happened earlier in the chapter almost verbatim.

After hearing a bunch of nonsense about how this strange man had come out of nowhere to take their daughter to some other unknown person, and that she should marry this unknown person, Rebekah’s family did the logical thing and immediately agreed to let her go in hopes of getting some of that choice bling Rebekah had been given. The servant gave them all a bunch of jewels and took off with Rebekah.

So, Rebekah agreed to go wandering off to some strange land for a husband. After many hours of camel riding, Rebekah showed up at Isaac’s place. Rebekah and Isaac then did the deed, after which Isaac didn’t feel so bad about his mother kicking the bucket earlier, thus proving that a good screw makes everything better.

Genesis 25

Deciding he had had enough of the single life, Abraham took another wife. Unlike Sarah, his new wife was capable of having kids without God intervening, and so she bore him lots of little mouths to feed. However, despite all the kids he had, he would only allow his estate to go to Isaac. Oh, and Abraham also took on a bunch of concubines and gave the kids they had some gifts and kicked them out of the house. Classy.

After 135 years, which is close enough to God’s age limit, Abraham died and he was buried next to his first wife. The Bible then takes an interlude for a bunch of “begats”.

As it turns out, Isaac’s wife Rebekah turned out to be barren just like Sarah was. Luckily, God wasn’t in the mood to mess around this time like he did with Sarah, and just let Rebekah conceive anyway. Rebekah became puzzled because it felt like two kids were having fistfights in her womb, so she asked God about it. God, obviously not an obstetrician, told her that she had twins in her womb, and they would come out of her bowels. Honestly, what is with God’s obsession with bowels?

Anyway, God told Rebekah that her sons would be heads of great nations, and the older would serve the younger. Having thus been told the entire story of her sons’ lives before they were born, and without even the benefit of a “Spoiler Alert” warning from God, Rebekah had her kids. Esau came out first, and was covered in red hair, which had to make Isaac look sidelong at the orangutans that were always hanging out around Rebekah’s tent. Jacob was born next, and he was hanging on to Esau’s heel, which is supposed to be some sort of omen, but might have just been because Jacob had a foot fetish.

Esau and Jacob grew older. Esau became a hunter and killed stuff for a living, while Jacob grew crops. Since Isaac shared God’s thirst for blood, he liked Esau better, but Rebekah liked Jacob better because he hung around at home and watched soaps with her while he waited for his crops to grow.

Esau, after a long day of hunting, came home one day really hungry. He saw Jacob was making some soup, and asked for some. Jacob, reiterating the moral of the Cain and Abel story (all farmers are evil), demanded Esau sell him his birthright in exchange for some food. Esau, who apparently wasn’t a good enough hunter to even feed himself, acquiesced and sold his entire inheritance in exchange for a bowl of lentil soup and some bread. Esau: negotiator extraordinaire.

Genesis 26

Once again, there was famine in the land. All these famines had to make Isaac wonder if God was doing him a favor promising him all this land, but rather than complain about it he just decided to go mooch off the Egyptians like his father had. Unfortunately, God showed up and told him not to go down to Egypt, but rather to go mooch off Abimelech instead.

So it came to pass that Isaac went down to Gerar, where he was hassled by some bullies who wanted his lunch money and his wife. Not wanting to be killed, he followed in his father’s footsteps and told these men Rebekah was his sister, not his wife.

Of course Abimelech was not about to get plagued again, and demanded to know what Isaac’s game was with claiming his wife was his sister just like his shiftless father had. Isaac whined that he didn’t want to die, so Abimelech told all his people not to touch Isaac’s wife, because he really was in no mood to deal with a bunch of women who couldn’t have kids again.

Isaac spent a bunch of time in Abimelech’s land, and became ridiculously rich, which made all his neighbors jealous. In retaliation, the Philistines filled all the wells Isaac had dug with dirt. Eventually, Abimelech told him he was too rich to be hanging out there, so if he could bugger off, that would be just great.

So Isaac wandered off and started digging wells in various other locations. Unfortunately for him, every time he dug a well some group of ruffians would show up to take it from him. Eventually, everyone that wanted a well had gotten one courtesy of Isaac, and he was finally able to dig a well and keep it for himself.

Since he had finally found a well that no one else wanted, Isaac made the logical choice and left it in order to go back to Beersheba and hang out with God for a while. God spent some time repeating the same old promises he had made to Abraham, and Isaac built an altar and dug yet another well.

Seeing that Isaac was God’s favorite (sort of a “deity’s pet”), Abimelech went to visit him and kiss a little ass. After a feast and a good night’s rest, Isaac sent them on their way.

Also, Esau took on two wives, which Isaac and Rebekah were none too pleased with. While the Bible doesn’t say so, we can assume Isaac was primarily pissed off because he hadn’t thought of the whole multiple wives thing first.

Genesis 27

Eventually, Isaac got old and was about to die, so he sent for his favorite son Esau. Isaac told Esau he was about to die, but before he did he would really like a nice venison steak. So, if Esau could just go and hunt up some venison for him and prepare him a nice meal, he would bless Esau, which apparently was a big deal. So Esau went off to hunt up some grub for his dying father.

Meanwhile, Rebekah, who had been eavesdropping, told Jacob to stop watching Days of Our Lives for a second and go try and steal Esau’s blessing. Figuring Isaac was too stupid to figure out the difference between venison and goat meat, Rebekah told Jacob to go kill one of their goats and cook him up. In order that Isaac would think Jacob was really his half-ape brother Esau, Rebekah glued a bunch of goat fur to Jacob. She also told him to wear Esau’s clothes, and took him to Isaac.

Now, at this point you might be asking how someone could mistake a guy covered in glued-on goat fur and reaking of goat meat for his favorite son. What you’re forgetting, though, is that Jacob also was wearing Esau’s clothes. Also, Isaac was functionally retarded.

Anyway, Jacob brought the goat meat to Isaac and pretended to be Esau. Isaac was amazed that his son, known throughout the land as the world’s shittiest hunter, had managed to bring home a dead animal so quickly. After seeing the Robin Williams-esque body hair and the ratty clothes, though, he trusted that the person in front of him was Esau, and immediately blessed him.

Shortly thereafter, the actual Esau came back and brought in some venison for his father. Isaac, feeling very guilty for accidentally blessing the wrong son, nonetheless said the system wouldn’t allow him to really correct the situation since all blessings were final, and so too bad for Esau. After some girlish sobbing and whining from Esau, Isaac finally acquiesced to giving Esau a blessing too. So he told Esau that he would be destined to serve his brother until he could manage to gain the upper hand.

For some reason, Esau was upset about this, and vowed to kill his brother. Unfortunately, he said this in his outside voice, and Rebekah, who just happened to be hanging out outside the tent with her ear pressed against the fabric, told Jacob to skedaddle before Esau found him.

Before Jacob left, though, Rebekah told him not to go carousing with those harlot daughters of Heth, because Rebekah was totally pissed off at Heth, and if Jacob ever married one of them she would just DIE. Thus was the reputation of the Jewish mother established.

Genesis 28

Before Jacob could run for his life from his brother Esau, Isaac called him in and told him not to go out and marry any of those filthy Canaanites, thus carrying on his father’s racist ways. Instead, Isaac told Jacob to go find someone in his mother’s family to marry, because apparently inbreeding is preferrable to hanging out with a bunch of degenerates.

Jacob, ever the obedient son, went off to find one of his mother’s relatives that might be up for a little carnal knowledge. Meanwhile, Esau saw all this and, just to spite his father, went off and married one of Ishmael’s daughters.

So Jacob went toward Haran, and decided to pack it in for the night. He took some stones and used them for pillows and went to sleep. Because stones make lousy pillows, Jacob had a really bizarre dream involving a ladder going up to Heaven. In the dream, God came to him and told him that the land he was laying on would be given to him, and he would have tons and tons of descendants. Further, God told Jacob that even if his descendants scattered all over the world, they would eventually end up back there. Luckily for them, no one else was ever going to live there, so they would have absolutely no problem coming back and reclaiming the land. Or something like that.

Impressed by God’s promise, Jacob built a mighty temple (okay, he stacked a few stones and put oil on them, but it’s the thought that counts) and promised that so long as God would keep blessing him, he would keep following God. Of course, the flipside of this is that as soon as God stopped heaping on the blessings, Jacob was going to drop him like a hot rock.

Oh, also Jacob promised to give a tenth of everything he earned to God. So yah, tithing. Stupid Jacob.