Saturday, August 8, 2009
We're back!
Just when you thought this blog had been permanently abandoned, we have a new post! The first three chapters of Exodus are up at sensiblemadness.com. Direct link: The Book of Exodus
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Genesis is complete!
So here it is kids...the first book of the Bible is finished. I've been trying to figure out a good name for this experiment, and have gone back and forth on several of them. For now, the website this little Bible translation is on is called Sensible Madness, and the Bible is simply called "The Bible: Dumbed Down Version". Someday maybe I'll come up with something with a little more pizazz. Anyway, you can see the entirety of Genesis at sensiblemadness.com
Monday, June 29, 2009
Genesis 42-43
Sorry for the long delay between posts. I've been working on a website to replace this blog, and I've sort of neglected adding any actual content. Anyway, the website is at sensiblemadness.com. It's a work in progress, but it's coming along. I'm not a big web design guru or anything, so it's kind of ugly so far, but it's no more than twice as ugly as blogger, and it serves my purposes, so it'll do for now.
Anyway, on to the next two chapters of Genesis. This same content is available on the aforementioned site, by the way.
Genesis 42
As it turned out, the famine that was proving so profitable to Joseph was making things less than comfortable for his father Jacob and his brothers. So, Jacob sent ten of his sons down to Egypt. He kept Benjamin back at home though, because he didn’t want anything bad to happen to him. So, apparently it’s okay if his other sons get murdered along the way or sold into slavery or any of the other nasty things that happened to people back then, but Benjamin needed to be protected.
Anyway, the ten brothers showed up in Egypt, and went to Joseph to buy some grain. Joseph of course recognized his brothers immediately, but thanks to the gobs of makeup Egyptian men wore in those days, none of the brothers recognized Joseph. Joseph, remembering his dreams predicting his brothers would bow down before him, decided to do his damndest to make sure those dreams came true. So, he accused his brothers of being spies and accused them of coming just so they could see how bad off Egypt was, presumably so their vast armies could invade or something of that nature. The brothers pleaded with Joseph, swearing that they were all honest men, and brothers in the same family. Unfortunately, they didn’t know when to keep their big mouths shut, and happened to mention that there was another brother back home. Joseph, seeing an opportunity, demanded that they send one person to bring the other brother to Egypt. To give them time to think of a good response to his demand without any unnecessary distractions, he threw them all in prison.
After three days, Joseph came to them and told them to take some corn back to their family, but bring back their youngest brother. In order to ensure their return, he demanded that one of them stay behind in prison. The other brothers, not realizing Joseph could understand everything they said because he had cleverly decided to speak only through an interpreter, began talking loudly amongst themselves. They decided that this whole mess they were in was all because they had sold their youngest brother into slavery. Reuben, eager to show everyone else up, reminded them that he had been the one to tell them not to just kill the kid, so really, he had saved them all from eternal damnation. So he definitely shouldn’t have to be the one to stay in prison.
Joseph, hearing that his brothers actually felt slightly guilty, turned away and cried like a little girl. He then turned back, took Simeon, and tied him up and threw him in the dungeon. He then ordered them to fill their sacks with corn and then, when they weren’t looking, he slipped their money back in their wallets and sent them on their way. On the way back home, the money was discovered, and the brothers got scared, assuming God was playing one of his infamous practical jokes on them, which likely meant one of them was going to be a pillar of salt soon.
At any rate, the brothers returned to Jacob, and told him they had to take Benjamin back with them. Jacob, having already lost his sons Joseph and Simeon, refused to let them take Benjamin too. Reuben, jumping a little further ahead than one would think prudent in the initial stages of a negotiation, offered to let Jacob kill his two sons if he didn’t return with Simeon and Benjamin, but Jacob still refused, claiming that if anything were to happen to little Benjamin, he (Jacob) would die from sorrow.
Genesis 43
So Jacob’s family ate all of the corn which his sons had brought back from Egypt.
After they had eaten the food, Jacob asked his sons to go back to Egypt to get more. Judah reminded Jacob that the guy that had given them corn had told them not to come back without their youngest brother. Hearing this, Jacob became irate, and asked his sons why they were stupid enough to have told this guy that they had another brother. The brothers protested that the guy had seemed trustworthy enough, and asked them a bunch of questions about their family, which they answered honestly, and how were they supposed to know the dude was going to ask them to bring their other brother over?
Judah volunteered to be responsible for Benjamin, swearing that if anything should happen to Benjamin, it would be totally his (Judah’s) fault. This was a step down from Reuben’s offer to let Jacob kill his two sons, but nevertheless Jacob relented because he was starving.
So, Jacob hatched a plan by which the brothers would return to Egypt with twice the money they needed to buy more corn. He was worried that the money had been left in his sons’ bags by accident, and the Egyptian would be pissed that they had left without paying for their corn. He also gave them some honey, spices, myrrh, nuts, and almonds, which they apparently had plenty of despite being in a major famine, to give to the Egyptian grain merchant as a bribe.
So Jacob’s sons went down to Egypt with their gifts. Joseph, seeing that they had brought Benjamin with them, ordered a feast prepared. Joseph had his servants bring his brothers into his house. Intimidated, the brothers began trying to explain what happened with the money, and trying to give it back before they were beheaded for stealing from Egypt. Joseph’s steward, however, told them it was no big deal, and gave them water and washed their feet and fed their asses. Also, he gave some food to their donkeys.
At this point, Joseph came in and asked the brothers a bunch of questions about their father. Seeing nothing unusual in this, they answered the questions honestly. Joseph then looked at Benjamin, and "his bowels did yearn upon his brother". This, we can only assume, means that Joseph was tempted to hold his brother down and fart on him, just as he had done when they were kids.
Fighting back this temptation, Joseph went off to a corner and once again cried like a little girl. After he had composed himself, he went back and ordered food for his brothers, and ordered food in a separate room for the Egyptian members of his house. Because the Egyptians were a bunch of racists who refused to eat with those dirty Hebrews. So as we can see, Egyptian-Hebrew relations were less than cordial at the time, despite the fact that Pharaoh had allowed his entire kingdom to be run by a Hebrew.
Anyway, Joseph gave Benjamin five times more food than anyone else, and everyone had a grand old time.
Anyway, on to the next two chapters of Genesis. This same content is available on the aforementioned site, by the way.
Genesis 42
As it turned out, the famine that was proving so profitable to Joseph was making things less than comfortable for his father Jacob and his brothers. So, Jacob sent ten of his sons down to Egypt. He kept Benjamin back at home though, because he didn’t want anything bad to happen to him. So, apparently it’s okay if his other sons get murdered along the way or sold into slavery or any of the other nasty things that happened to people back then, but Benjamin needed to be protected.
Anyway, the ten brothers showed up in Egypt, and went to Joseph to buy some grain. Joseph of course recognized his brothers immediately, but thanks to the gobs of makeup Egyptian men wore in those days, none of the brothers recognized Joseph. Joseph, remembering his dreams predicting his brothers would bow down before him, decided to do his damndest to make sure those dreams came true. So, he accused his brothers of being spies and accused them of coming just so they could see how bad off Egypt was, presumably so their vast armies could invade or something of that nature. The brothers pleaded with Joseph, swearing that they were all honest men, and brothers in the same family. Unfortunately, they didn’t know when to keep their big mouths shut, and happened to mention that there was another brother back home. Joseph, seeing an opportunity, demanded that they send one person to bring the other brother to Egypt. To give them time to think of a good response to his demand without any unnecessary distractions, he threw them all in prison.
After three days, Joseph came to them and told them to take some corn back to their family, but bring back their youngest brother. In order to ensure their return, he demanded that one of them stay behind in prison. The other brothers, not realizing Joseph could understand everything they said because he had cleverly decided to speak only through an interpreter, began talking loudly amongst themselves. They decided that this whole mess they were in was all because they had sold their youngest brother into slavery. Reuben, eager to show everyone else up, reminded them that he had been the one to tell them not to just kill the kid, so really, he had saved them all from eternal damnation. So he definitely shouldn’t have to be the one to stay in prison.
Joseph, hearing that his brothers actually felt slightly guilty, turned away and cried like a little girl. He then turned back, took Simeon, and tied him up and threw him in the dungeon. He then ordered them to fill their sacks with corn and then, when they weren’t looking, he slipped their money back in their wallets and sent them on their way. On the way back home, the money was discovered, and the brothers got scared, assuming God was playing one of his infamous practical jokes on them, which likely meant one of them was going to be a pillar of salt soon.
At any rate, the brothers returned to Jacob, and told him they had to take Benjamin back with them. Jacob, having already lost his sons Joseph and Simeon, refused to let them take Benjamin too. Reuben, jumping a little further ahead than one would think prudent in the initial stages of a negotiation, offered to let Jacob kill his two sons if he didn’t return with Simeon and Benjamin, but Jacob still refused, claiming that if anything were to happen to little Benjamin, he (Jacob) would die from sorrow.
Genesis 43
So Jacob’s family ate all of the corn which his sons had brought back from Egypt.
After they had eaten the food, Jacob asked his sons to go back to Egypt to get more. Judah reminded Jacob that the guy that had given them corn had told them not to come back without their youngest brother. Hearing this, Jacob became irate, and asked his sons why they were stupid enough to have told this guy that they had another brother. The brothers protested that the guy had seemed trustworthy enough, and asked them a bunch of questions about their family, which they answered honestly, and how were they supposed to know the dude was going to ask them to bring their other brother over?
Judah volunteered to be responsible for Benjamin, swearing that if anything should happen to Benjamin, it would be totally his (Judah’s) fault. This was a step down from Reuben’s offer to let Jacob kill his two sons, but nevertheless Jacob relented because he was starving.
So, Jacob hatched a plan by which the brothers would return to Egypt with twice the money they needed to buy more corn. He was worried that the money had been left in his sons’ bags by accident, and the Egyptian would be pissed that they had left without paying for their corn. He also gave them some honey, spices, myrrh, nuts, and almonds, which they apparently had plenty of despite being in a major famine, to give to the Egyptian grain merchant as a bribe.
So Jacob’s sons went down to Egypt with their gifts. Joseph, seeing that they had brought Benjamin with them, ordered a feast prepared. Joseph had his servants bring his brothers into his house. Intimidated, the brothers began trying to explain what happened with the money, and trying to give it back before they were beheaded for stealing from Egypt. Joseph’s steward, however, told them it was no big deal, and gave them water and washed their feet and fed their asses. Also, he gave some food to their donkeys.
At this point, Joseph came in and asked the brothers a bunch of questions about their father. Seeing nothing unusual in this, they answered the questions honestly. Joseph then looked at Benjamin, and "his bowels did yearn upon his brother". This, we can only assume, means that Joseph was tempted to hold his brother down and fart on him, just as he had done when they were kids.
Fighting back this temptation, Joseph went off to a corner and once again cried like a little girl. After he had composed himself, he went back and ordered food for his brothers, and ordered food in a separate room for the Egyptian members of his house. Because the Egyptians were a bunch of racists who refused to eat with those dirty Hebrews. So as we can see, Egyptian-Hebrew relations were less than cordial at the time, despite the fact that Pharaoh had allowed his entire kingdom to be run by a Hebrew.
Anyway, Joseph gave Benjamin five times more food than anyone else, and everyone had a grand old time.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Genesis 41
Genesis 41
Two years after freeing his butler and beheading his baker, Pharaoh ate some bad enchiladas one night and had a couple of really wacky dreams. In the first, he saw seven fat cows walk out of a river, followed by seven lean and sickly cows. Suddenly, like a scene out of a bad horror movie, the seven sickly skinny cows devoured the seven fat cows.
Pharaoh woke up screaming, but soon fell back to sleep. In his second dream, he saw seven healthy ears of corn grow on one stalk. Then, seven nasty thin and wind-blasted ears showed up on the stalk right next to it. As if the cow cannibalism wasn’t bad enough, the seven thin ears of corn suddenly devoured the seven healthy ears. Completely horrified, Pharaoh woke up shaking and vowing to behead his cook at the first opportunity for making those damn enchiladas. Oh, he also sent for all the magicians in Egypt, in hopes that one of them could tell him what the hell those dreams meant, other than that he needed to adjust his medication.
His butler, who happened to be butling in the general area at the time, heard Pharaoh complain about his dreams, and suddenly remembered that jailer that had interpreted his dreams oh so long ago. So Pharaoh sent for Joseph, who was brought from the dungeon, shaved, given a new clean set of formal rags, and sent to interpret some dreams. Pharaoh asked if Joseph could interpret dreams, and Joseph, trying not to sound too arrogant, said it was really God who interpreted the dreams, but Joseph could talk to God, so that’s how it worked. Because in Egypt, interpreting dreams was way more impressive than talking directly to God.
Anyway, Pharaoh wasted 8 verses repeating the dreams to Joseph, and Joseph made the astounding revelation that both dreams were about the same thing. Joseph then went on to say the dreams meant Egypt would soon be attacked by a wave of zombie cannibal cows, and the only way to stop them would be to breed a race of ravenous corn which would eat the cows, but would also eat all of their food crops, but hey it beats being eaten by zombie cannibal cows. Not really.
Seriously though, Joseph told Pharaoh the dreams meant Egypt would have seven years of great harvests, followed by seven years of famine. He also claimed that since there were two dreams about the same event, that meant God had already decided this is how it was going to be, so don’t bother begging him to change it, and by the way it was going to happen Real Soon Now. Joseph said that Egypt should find a discreet and wise man to rule over all of Egypt and appoint henchmen to take 20% of the harvest from all the farmers in the land and store it in preparation for the famine to come.
Pharaoh, noticing that Joseph kept pointing to himself when he referred to a "discreet and wise man", and also noticing Joseph had tattooed "discreet" on his right hand and "wise" on his left, decided to give Joseph the job. He gave Joseph his ring and gave him a nice suit and some jewelry and made him ruler over the entire country. He also gave Joseph a ridiculously long and impossible to pronounce name (Zaphnathpaaneah) and gave him a wife. So, apparently dream interpretation was pretty good work if you could get it.
During the seven years of plenty, Joseph and his goons went out and took 20% of the grain produced in Egypt and stored it away, as he had said they would do. Then, when the seven years of famine came along, Joseph set up shop and sold the grain back to the people from which he had taken it. In this way, nobody starved, and Joseph made a tidy profit. Also, during this time his wife popped out two younguns named Manasseh and Ephraim.
Two years after freeing his butler and beheading his baker, Pharaoh ate some bad enchiladas one night and had a couple of really wacky dreams. In the first, he saw seven fat cows walk out of a river, followed by seven lean and sickly cows. Suddenly, like a scene out of a bad horror movie, the seven sickly skinny cows devoured the seven fat cows.
Pharaoh woke up screaming, but soon fell back to sleep. In his second dream, he saw seven healthy ears of corn grow on one stalk. Then, seven nasty thin and wind-blasted ears showed up on the stalk right next to it. As if the cow cannibalism wasn’t bad enough, the seven thin ears of corn suddenly devoured the seven healthy ears. Completely horrified, Pharaoh woke up shaking and vowing to behead his cook at the first opportunity for making those damn enchiladas. Oh, he also sent for all the magicians in Egypt, in hopes that one of them could tell him what the hell those dreams meant, other than that he needed to adjust his medication.
His butler, who happened to be butling in the general area at the time, heard Pharaoh complain about his dreams, and suddenly remembered that jailer that had interpreted his dreams oh so long ago. So Pharaoh sent for Joseph, who was brought from the dungeon, shaved, given a new clean set of formal rags, and sent to interpret some dreams. Pharaoh asked if Joseph could interpret dreams, and Joseph, trying not to sound too arrogant, said it was really God who interpreted the dreams, but Joseph could talk to God, so that’s how it worked. Because in Egypt, interpreting dreams was way more impressive than talking directly to God.
Anyway, Pharaoh wasted 8 verses repeating the dreams to Joseph, and Joseph made the astounding revelation that both dreams were about the same thing. Joseph then went on to say the dreams meant Egypt would soon be attacked by a wave of zombie cannibal cows, and the only way to stop them would be to breed a race of ravenous corn which would eat the cows, but would also eat all of their food crops, but hey it beats being eaten by zombie cannibal cows. Not really.
Seriously though, Joseph told Pharaoh the dreams meant Egypt would have seven years of great harvests, followed by seven years of famine. He also claimed that since there were two dreams about the same event, that meant God had already decided this is how it was going to be, so don’t bother begging him to change it, and by the way it was going to happen Real Soon Now. Joseph said that Egypt should find a discreet and wise man to rule over all of Egypt and appoint henchmen to take 20% of the harvest from all the farmers in the land and store it in preparation for the famine to come.
Pharaoh, noticing that Joseph kept pointing to himself when he referred to a "discreet and wise man", and also noticing Joseph had tattooed "discreet" on his right hand and "wise" on his left, decided to give Joseph the job. He gave Joseph his ring and gave him a nice suit and some jewelry and made him ruler over the entire country. He also gave Joseph a ridiculously long and impossible to pronounce name (Zaphnathpaaneah) and gave him a wife. So, apparently dream interpretation was pretty good work if you could get it.
During the seven years of plenty, Joseph and his goons went out and took 20% of the grain produced in Egypt and stored it away, as he had said they would do. Then, when the seven years of famine came along, Joseph set up shop and sold the grain back to the people from which he had taken it. In this way, nobody starved, and Joseph made a tidy profit. Also, during this time his wife popped out two younguns named Manasseh and Ephraim.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Genesis 39-40
Sorry about the lack of posts recently...life keeps getting in the way.
I'm also looking to move this thing to a dedicated host at some point in the relatively near future, since blogspot kind of sucks for this sort of thing.
Anyway, here are two more chapters of Genesis.
Genesis 39
To recap, Joseph, after annoying his brothers with his constant tattling and predictions they would all bow down before him, got sold to some nomads called the Ishmeelites, who in turn sold him to Potiphar, who put him to work.
As it turned out, Joseph was really good at whatever it was that Potiphar was making him do, and so he was given a promotion to House Overseer, which not only came with a nicer room, but also a 30% reduction in beatings. Joseph likewise excelled at his new position, and made Potiphar even more obscenely rich than he already was. Potiphar eventually came to trust Joseph so much that he gave Joseph control over every aspect of his household, to the point where all he (Potiphar) had to do was sit around getting fed grapes all day while his wealth grew at the hands of Joseph.
Unfortunately for Joseph, Potiphar had a bit of a hussy for a wife. One day, Potiphar’s wife tried to seduce Joseph, but he refused, saying that he wouldn’t want to repay Potiphar’s kindness by banging his wife. Potiphar’s wife, not accustomed to being refused, and also not aware of how desperate she must have looked, tried to get Joseph to sleep with her on a daily basis. Joseph did his best to avoid her, but one day he really had to pee so he went into the house and ran right into her. Since there was no one else around, she started to really lay it on thick. Joseph was really in no mood for her shenanigans, and besides his back teeth were floating, so he turned and tried to run while she was still holding his shirt. His shirt came off in her hands, and he ran off.
Potiphar’s wife, seeing that Joseph had left his shirt, called out to the other men in the house and told them that Joseph had tried to rape her, but luckily she managed to scream loud enough to scare him so badly that he forgot to take his shirt with him as he ran off. Potiphar, wisely deciding to trust his primary nooky provider over the man whom he had entrusted with all of his affairs for years, threw Joseph in prison. Once in prison, Joseph repeated his old act and kissed up to the prison keeper to the point where he was put in charge of all the other prisoners. As Potiphar before him had done, the prison keeper let Joseph do whatever he wanted, and Joseph made the place into a model prison, which in those days likely meant that he developed a highly efficient beating and starvation program.
Genesis 40
It came to pass that Pharaoh’s butler and baker offended him in some way, possibly by forgetting to grovel sufficiently when bringing him his wine and cake, and so he threw them in prison. As luck would have it, they landed in Joseph’s prison, and he was put in charge of them. After a year in prison, they both had a dream on the same night. Since apparently not having someone tell you what your dream meant was a big problem in Egypt, they were both very depressed that no dream interpreters had offended Pharaoh recently. Joseph saw that they were upset, even though they hadn't even received their daily beatings yet, and asked them what their problem was. After hearing of this whole dream interpretation thing, Joseph offered to interpret the dreams for them.
The butler had dreamed of a vine with three branches that sprouted grapes. In this dream, the butler took the grapes, made grape juice, and gave Pharaoh a cup of it. Joseph stated that this meant that the butler would get his old job back in three days. Then, Joseph gave the butler a business card and asked him to put a good word in with Pharaoh, since he was getting kind of tired of hanging out in a prison all day every day.
The baker, seeing that the butler’s dream meant he was getting out of that shithole of a prison, asked Joseph to interpret his dream too. The baker’s dream was of him holding three baskets of bread on his head. Birds came and ate the bread from the top basket. Joseph told him this meant that Pharaoh would have him hanged in three days, and birds would eat his flesh. For some reason, the baker was not thrilled by this interpretation.
Fortunately for the butler, and unfortunately for the baker, both of Joseph’s predictions came true. Unfortunately for Joseph, the butler later accidentally used the business card Joseph had given him to write down his phone number for this cute girl at the Pyramid Club, and so never got around to mentioning Joseph to Pharaoh.
I'm also looking to move this thing to a dedicated host at some point in the relatively near future, since blogspot kind of sucks for this sort of thing.
Anyway, here are two more chapters of Genesis.
Genesis 39
To recap, Joseph, after annoying his brothers with his constant tattling and predictions they would all bow down before him, got sold to some nomads called the Ishmeelites, who in turn sold him to Potiphar, who put him to work.
As it turned out, Joseph was really good at whatever it was that Potiphar was making him do, and so he was given a promotion to House Overseer, which not only came with a nicer room, but also a 30% reduction in beatings. Joseph likewise excelled at his new position, and made Potiphar even more obscenely rich than he already was. Potiphar eventually came to trust Joseph so much that he gave Joseph control over every aspect of his household, to the point where all he (Potiphar) had to do was sit around getting fed grapes all day while his wealth grew at the hands of Joseph.
Unfortunately for Joseph, Potiphar had a bit of a hussy for a wife. One day, Potiphar’s wife tried to seduce Joseph, but he refused, saying that he wouldn’t want to repay Potiphar’s kindness by banging his wife. Potiphar’s wife, not accustomed to being refused, and also not aware of how desperate she must have looked, tried to get Joseph to sleep with her on a daily basis. Joseph did his best to avoid her, but one day he really had to pee so he went into the house and ran right into her. Since there was no one else around, she started to really lay it on thick. Joseph was really in no mood for her shenanigans, and besides his back teeth were floating, so he turned and tried to run while she was still holding his shirt. His shirt came off in her hands, and he ran off.
Potiphar’s wife, seeing that Joseph had left his shirt, called out to the other men in the house and told them that Joseph had tried to rape her, but luckily she managed to scream loud enough to scare him so badly that he forgot to take his shirt with him as he ran off. Potiphar, wisely deciding to trust his primary nooky provider over the man whom he had entrusted with all of his affairs for years, threw Joseph in prison. Once in prison, Joseph repeated his old act and kissed up to the prison keeper to the point where he was put in charge of all the other prisoners. As Potiphar before him had done, the prison keeper let Joseph do whatever he wanted, and Joseph made the place into a model prison, which in those days likely meant that he developed a highly efficient beating and starvation program.
Genesis 40
It came to pass that Pharaoh’s butler and baker offended him in some way, possibly by forgetting to grovel sufficiently when bringing him his wine and cake, and so he threw them in prison. As luck would have it, they landed in Joseph’s prison, and he was put in charge of them. After a year in prison, they both had a dream on the same night. Since apparently not having someone tell you what your dream meant was a big problem in Egypt, they were both very depressed that no dream interpreters had offended Pharaoh recently. Joseph saw that they were upset, even though they hadn't even received their daily beatings yet, and asked them what their problem was. After hearing of this whole dream interpretation thing, Joseph offered to interpret the dreams for them.
The butler had dreamed of a vine with three branches that sprouted grapes. In this dream, the butler took the grapes, made grape juice, and gave Pharaoh a cup of it. Joseph stated that this meant that the butler would get his old job back in three days. Then, Joseph gave the butler a business card and asked him to put a good word in with Pharaoh, since he was getting kind of tired of hanging out in a prison all day every day.
The baker, seeing that the butler’s dream meant he was getting out of that shithole of a prison, asked Joseph to interpret his dream too. The baker’s dream was of him holding three baskets of bread on his head. Birds came and ate the bread from the top basket. Joseph told him this meant that Pharaoh would have him hanged in three days, and birds would eat his flesh. For some reason, the baker was not thrilled by this interpretation.
Fortunately for the butler, and unfortunately for the baker, both of Joseph’s predictions came true. Unfortunately for Joseph, the butler later accidentally used the business card Joseph had given him to write down his phone number for this cute girl at the Pyramid Club, and so never got around to mentioning Joseph to Pharaoh.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Genesis 34-38
So I've found a less preachy source for the Bible at biblegateway.com. Bible.com was getting really annoying with their popup ads imploring me to save children or whatever, so I switched. It's all the same public domain Bible anyway, but I'm sure you were all interested in this entirely pointless aside.
Anyway, without further ado, here's another five chapters of the Bible:
Genesis 34
It came to pass that Dinah, one of Jacob’s daughters by the ugly sister, decided to go exploring in the land. Shechem, who was the son of Hamor and the possessor of one of the more unfortunate names in the Bible, saw her and, seeing she was one fine piece of ass, boned her brains out. Evidently, she was a great lay, because he immediately fell in love with her and asked his father to arrange for her to marry him.
Unfortunately for Shechem, in those days sleeping with a woman and then asking to marry her later was frowned upon. So, when Hamor went to Jacob to ask for Dinah’s hand on behalf of his son, Jacob was not terribly pleased. Hamor, sensing that the whole “sex before marriage” thing was going to be a real sticking point in these negotiations, promised Jacob anything he wanted in exchange for an agreement by which their families would be able to swap women as it suited them. Jacob, sensing an opportunity, said that he would only agree to such an arrangement if all of the men in Hamor’s clan were circumcised. Strangely enough, this request did not go over too well. However, since Shechem was developing a serious case of blue balls, he eventually agreed to the mass circumcision just so he could get back into Dinah’s pants.
So all of the men in Hamor’s clan got circumcised. While they were all still in bed suffering from the pain of the procedure, Jacob’s sons Simeon and Levi decided to go and take some revenge on Hamor, and proceeded to go into the city and kill all the men. They then went on to burn and loot the city and steal all the livestock of Hamor’s people. They also enslaved all the women.
For some reason, Jacob was somewhat taken aback by the fact that his sons had slaughtered every man in the village and taken every woman into slavery. In response to Jacob’s anger, his sons simply stated that if these people had not wanted to be slaughtered and/or enslaved, they shouldn’t have let one of their own treat their sister like a whore. Thus was the Biblical principal of “an entire fucking civilization for an eye” established.
Genesis 35
So God told Jacob to go to Bethel, because God was getting tired of visiting Jacob in that shithole he was living in at the time, and build yet another altar. Jacob, in the same state of panic the rest of us get into when the landlord calls up and asks if he can stop by, started running around ordering his people to clean the place up. He also ordered them to put away all those damn idols, as he felt God might be offended by all the little stone trinkets his "chosen people" were worshipping instead of him. Oh, and if they could take a damn bath and change their underwear for once, because the smell was even starting to scare off the flies, that would be great. And so Jacob’s people gave him all of their idols and earrings, because God hates pierced ears, and he buried them under a tree by the newly destroyed village of Shechem.
Jacob and his enormous clan embarked on their journey. The people in the towns they passed by were all too scared to attempt to screw with them, and so the journey was fairly peaceful. The Bible claims the reason these people were fearful was because of the fear of God, but it’s likely at least as attributable to the fact that Jacob’s clan slaughtered every man and enslaved every woman in the previous town they had hung out in.
Anyway, eventually Jacob came to Luz in the land of Canaan and built an altar. At that place, Rebekah’s nurse Deborah died and was buried.
At around this same time, God appeared to Jacob and told him his name was now going to be Israel, apparently unaware that the vampire/angel earlier had already told Jacob this exact same thing. God then went on to make the same promise of land to Jacob as he had previously made to Abraham and Isaac. Suitably impressed, Jacob built a pillar of stone and another altar.
So it came to pass that Rachel was pregnant, and went into labor. The labor was incredibly hard, and Rachel ended up dying in childbirth. As her last wish, Rachel asked that her son be named Benoni. Fortunately for the kid, Jacob wasn’t about to be told what to do, even by his recently deceased wife, and named the kid Benjamin instead. Rachel was buried on the side of the road to Bethlehem, and the rest of the clan went on their way.
After they had made camp, Reuben (the sandwich maker) slept with one of Jacob’s mistresses. Unfortunately, the mistress was something of a screamer and Israel (aka Jacob) heard the whole thing. At any rate, Israel now had 12 sons. This number, of course, would have absolutely no significance to anything at all, and is just mentioned here because the author of the Bible had some extra space to fill.
Jacob went to visit Isaac his father. Isaac lived to be 180, yet again ignoring God’s chosen lifespan of 120 years, and died. Jacob and Esau buried him, and the chapter ended.
Genesis 36
This is another one of those insomnia-curing chapters. Esau took all of his family and cattle and whatnot and left the land where Jacob was staying, because the two of them together had too many cows for the land to support.
Also Esau begat Eliphaz, who begat Teman, Omar, Zepho, Gatam, and Kenaz. Esau also begat some other sons, and they begat a whole bunch of other people, all of whose names look like what you would get if a herd of cats walked over your keyboard. For 43 verses, people have kids and those kids have other kids, and the translator passes out from sheer boredom and the chapter ends.
Genesis 37
Jacob and his 12 sons lived in Canaan. One of his sons, Joseph, was 17 and was something of a tattletale. Pissed off that their brother kept telling their father every time one of them did anything wrong, his brothers began to hate him. After Jacob gave Joseph a coat of many colors, his brothers hated him even more, despite the fact that with that many colors Joseph was going to have a hell of a time finding any clothes to match it, and he was just in for one fashion faux pas after another.
Not content to have his brothers merely hate him, Joseph started telling them about these dreams he was having. These dreams involved sheaves of wheat and the moon and stars and whatnot, but were all really just a thinly veiled prediction that Joseph’s entire family was going to end up bowing down before him, so maybe they should stop being so mean to him now. These dreams turned the run of the mill hatred of his brothers into murderous rage.
Later, Joseph’s brothers went off to Shechem to tend to their father’s flocks there. Jacob asked Joseph to go out and find out what they were doing wrong, and tattle on them. When Joseph got to Shechem, his brothers were nowhere to be found, but some random dude told him they had all gone to Dothan. So Joseph started for Dothan, probably already rehearsing how he was going to tell Jacob that his brothers weren’t where they were supposed to be.
Joseph’s brothers saw him coming from a long way off, and began to conspire against him. Lacking creativity, they decided to just kill him and throw him into a pit and tell their father that some nasty animal with big pointy teeth had killed him. Reuben, being the squeamish sort, said they shouldn’t actually kill Joseph, because he hated blood and really, wouldn’t it be better if they just threw him in a pit and left him for dead.
The other brothers agreed to Reuben’s request, took Joseph’s coat, threw him into a dry pit, and sat down for lunch. While there, they noticed some nomads on camels who were headed for Egypt with various trade goods. Seeing an opportunity to make some money, the brothers sold Joseph to the nomads for 20 pieces of silver.
Reuben returned to the pit and saw that Joseph was no longer there, and began to panic. Thinking fast, he took Joseph’s coat and dipped it in goat’s blood and brought it to Jacob. Jacob saw it, and with no further evidence jumped to the conclusion that Joseph had obviously been torn to pieces by some beast. Jacob went into deep mourning for his “dead” son, and pouted for many days. Meanwhile, the nomads sold Joseph to Potiphar, who was the captain of the guard for Pharaoh in Egypt.
Genesis 38
Judah, another of Jacob’s many sons, went searching for a wife, and found Shuah. It came to pass that they did bone, and she had three sons: Er, Onan, and Shelah. When Er was all grown up, Judah found him a wife by the name of Tamar. Unfortunately, Er was evil enough to really piss off God, and God killed him.
Taken aback by the bloodlust of God, Judah ordered his second son, Onan, to go sleep with Tamar, and their kids would be Er’s kids, because Tamar had been Er’s wife first. Because that totally makes sense.
Anyway, Onan wasn’t a fan of this arrangement, and instead of impregnating Tamar, he pulled out at the last second and spilled his seed on the ground. God was so incensed that someone would dare waste sperm that he killed Onan too. So, Judah told Tamar to go live with her father until his third son, Shelah, was grown up. However, figuring Tamar was some sort of black widow, Judah made the decision not to let Shelah sleep with her no matter how old he got.
Eventually Tamar noticed that Shelah had grown up, and Judah was not making any move to give him to her, so she decided to dress up like a prostitute, cover her face, and wait for Judah on the side of the road, as she had heard that he was going to be travelling that road to shear his sheep in the near future. When Judah saw her, he asked if she was in the market for a little bouncy bouncy. Tamar asked Judah what he had to pay her in exchange, and he said he was a little light on cash at the moment, but he would totally come back with a goat after they were done. Tamar agreed, but only if Judah would leave his signet, bracelets, and staff with her as a promise to return with the sheep. Judah agreed, and proceeded to nail Tamar, impregnating her in the process.
After the deed was done, Judah left, and Tamar ran off, changed clothes, and went back to her father’s house. Judah sent his friend to go find the hooker he had banged and give her the goat he had promised. However, his friend couldn’t find her, since she had run off. He asked around, but no one could remember there being any streetwalkers hanging around the place, and so he returned to Judah with the goat.
About three months later, someone told Judah that Tamar was the whore he had slept with, and furthermore she was pregnant. Judah, being morally opposed to abortion, decided to have Tamar burned instead. And so Tamar was brought to him. When she got there, she showed Judah his signet, bracelets, and staff, and told him that she was pregnant by the man who owned these things. Seeing that he was boned, Judah acknowledged that he was the father, and apologized for not giving her Shelah when he should have.
So it came to pass that Tamar had twins. During the birthing process, one of the twins stuck his hand out first, and the midwife tied a red string around his hand so that they would know he was the firstborn. After the string was tied, though, that twin brought his hand back in and the other was delivered first, followed by the one with the string on his hand. Because of this, the one without the string was called Pharez, and the other was called Zarah. Because that’s evidently what those names mean.
Anyway, without further ado, here's another five chapters of the Bible:
Genesis 34
It came to pass that Dinah, one of Jacob’s daughters by the ugly sister, decided to go exploring in the land. Shechem, who was the son of Hamor and the possessor of one of the more unfortunate names in the Bible, saw her and, seeing she was one fine piece of ass, boned her brains out. Evidently, she was a great lay, because he immediately fell in love with her and asked his father to arrange for her to marry him.
Unfortunately for Shechem, in those days sleeping with a woman and then asking to marry her later was frowned upon. So, when Hamor went to Jacob to ask for Dinah’s hand on behalf of his son, Jacob was not terribly pleased. Hamor, sensing that the whole “sex before marriage” thing was going to be a real sticking point in these negotiations, promised Jacob anything he wanted in exchange for an agreement by which their families would be able to swap women as it suited them. Jacob, sensing an opportunity, said that he would only agree to such an arrangement if all of the men in Hamor’s clan were circumcised. Strangely enough, this request did not go over too well. However, since Shechem was developing a serious case of blue balls, he eventually agreed to the mass circumcision just so he could get back into Dinah’s pants.
So all of the men in Hamor’s clan got circumcised. While they were all still in bed suffering from the pain of the procedure, Jacob’s sons Simeon and Levi decided to go and take some revenge on Hamor, and proceeded to go into the city and kill all the men. They then went on to burn and loot the city and steal all the livestock of Hamor’s people. They also enslaved all the women.
For some reason, Jacob was somewhat taken aback by the fact that his sons had slaughtered every man in the village and taken every woman into slavery. In response to Jacob’s anger, his sons simply stated that if these people had not wanted to be slaughtered and/or enslaved, they shouldn’t have let one of their own treat their sister like a whore. Thus was the Biblical principal of “an entire fucking civilization for an eye” established.
Genesis 35
So God told Jacob to go to Bethel, because God was getting tired of visiting Jacob in that shithole he was living in at the time, and build yet another altar. Jacob, in the same state of panic the rest of us get into when the landlord calls up and asks if he can stop by, started running around ordering his people to clean the place up. He also ordered them to put away all those damn idols, as he felt God might be offended by all the little stone trinkets his "chosen people" were worshipping instead of him. Oh, and if they could take a damn bath and change their underwear for once, because the smell was even starting to scare off the flies, that would be great. And so Jacob’s people gave him all of their idols and earrings, because God hates pierced ears, and he buried them under a tree by the newly destroyed village of Shechem.
Jacob and his enormous clan embarked on their journey. The people in the towns they passed by were all too scared to attempt to screw with them, and so the journey was fairly peaceful. The Bible claims the reason these people were fearful was because of the fear of God, but it’s likely at least as attributable to the fact that Jacob’s clan slaughtered every man and enslaved every woman in the previous town they had hung out in.
Anyway, eventually Jacob came to Luz in the land of Canaan and built an altar. At that place, Rebekah’s nurse Deborah died and was buried.
At around this same time, God appeared to Jacob and told him his name was now going to be Israel, apparently unaware that the vampire/angel earlier had already told Jacob this exact same thing. God then went on to make the same promise of land to Jacob as he had previously made to Abraham and Isaac. Suitably impressed, Jacob built a pillar of stone and another altar.
So it came to pass that Rachel was pregnant, and went into labor. The labor was incredibly hard, and Rachel ended up dying in childbirth. As her last wish, Rachel asked that her son be named Benoni. Fortunately for the kid, Jacob wasn’t about to be told what to do, even by his recently deceased wife, and named the kid Benjamin instead. Rachel was buried on the side of the road to Bethlehem, and the rest of the clan went on their way.
After they had made camp, Reuben (the sandwich maker) slept with one of Jacob’s mistresses. Unfortunately, the mistress was something of a screamer and Israel (aka Jacob) heard the whole thing. At any rate, Israel now had 12 sons. This number, of course, would have absolutely no significance to anything at all, and is just mentioned here because the author of the Bible had some extra space to fill.
Jacob went to visit Isaac his father. Isaac lived to be 180, yet again ignoring God’s chosen lifespan of 120 years, and died. Jacob and Esau buried him, and the chapter ended.
Genesis 36
This is another one of those insomnia-curing chapters. Esau took all of his family and cattle and whatnot and left the land where Jacob was staying, because the two of them together had too many cows for the land to support.
Also Esau begat Eliphaz, who begat Teman, Omar, Zepho, Gatam, and Kenaz. Esau also begat some other sons, and they begat a whole bunch of other people, all of whose names look like what you would get if a herd of cats walked over your keyboard. For 43 verses, people have kids and those kids have other kids, and the translator passes out from sheer boredom and the chapter ends.
Genesis 37
Jacob and his 12 sons lived in Canaan. One of his sons, Joseph, was 17 and was something of a tattletale. Pissed off that their brother kept telling their father every time one of them did anything wrong, his brothers began to hate him. After Jacob gave Joseph a coat of many colors, his brothers hated him even more, despite the fact that with that many colors Joseph was going to have a hell of a time finding any clothes to match it, and he was just in for one fashion faux pas after another.
Not content to have his brothers merely hate him, Joseph started telling them about these dreams he was having. These dreams involved sheaves of wheat and the moon and stars and whatnot, but were all really just a thinly veiled prediction that Joseph’s entire family was going to end up bowing down before him, so maybe they should stop being so mean to him now. These dreams turned the run of the mill hatred of his brothers into murderous rage.
Later, Joseph’s brothers went off to Shechem to tend to their father’s flocks there. Jacob asked Joseph to go out and find out what they were doing wrong, and tattle on them. When Joseph got to Shechem, his brothers were nowhere to be found, but some random dude told him they had all gone to Dothan. So Joseph started for Dothan, probably already rehearsing how he was going to tell Jacob that his brothers weren’t where they were supposed to be.
Joseph’s brothers saw him coming from a long way off, and began to conspire against him. Lacking creativity, they decided to just kill him and throw him into a pit and tell their father that some nasty animal with big pointy teeth had killed him. Reuben, being the squeamish sort, said they shouldn’t actually kill Joseph, because he hated blood and really, wouldn’t it be better if they just threw him in a pit and left him for dead.
The other brothers agreed to Reuben’s request, took Joseph’s coat, threw him into a dry pit, and sat down for lunch. While there, they noticed some nomads on camels who were headed for Egypt with various trade goods. Seeing an opportunity to make some money, the brothers sold Joseph to the nomads for 20 pieces of silver.
Reuben returned to the pit and saw that Joseph was no longer there, and began to panic. Thinking fast, he took Joseph’s coat and dipped it in goat’s blood and brought it to Jacob. Jacob saw it, and with no further evidence jumped to the conclusion that Joseph had obviously been torn to pieces by some beast. Jacob went into deep mourning for his “dead” son, and pouted for many days. Meanwhile, the nomads sold Joseph to Potiphar, who was the captain of the guard for Pharaoh in Egypt.
Genesis 38
Judah, another of Jacob’s many sons, went searching for a wife, and found Shuah. It came to pass that they did bone, and she had three sons: Er, Onan, and Shelah. When Er was all grown up, Judah found him a wife by the name of Tamar. Unfortunately, Er was evil enough to really piss off God, and God killed him.
Taken aback by the bloodlust of God, Judah ordered his second son, Onan, to go sleep with Tamar, and their kids would be Er’s kids, because Tamar had been Er’s wife first. Because that totally makes sense.
Anyway, Onan wasn’t a fan of this arrangement, and instead of impregnating Tamar, he pulled out at the last second and spilled his seed on the ground. God was so incensed that someone would dare waste sperm that he killed Onan too. So, Judah told Tamar to go live with her father until his third son, Shelah, was grown up. However, figuring Tamar was some sort of black widow, Judah made the decision not to let Shelah sleep with her no matter how old he got.
Eventually Tamar noticed that Shelah had grown up, and Judah was not making any move to give him to her, so she decided to dress up like a prostitute, cover her face, and wait for Judah on the side of the road, as she had heard that he was going to be travelling that road to shear his sheep in the near future. When Judah saw her, he asked if she was in the market for a little bouncy bouncy. Tamar asked Judah what he had to pay her in exchange, and he said he was a little light on cash at the moment, but he would totally come back with a goat after they were done. Tamar agreed, but only if Judah would leave his signet, bracelets, and staff with her as a promise to return with the sheep. Judah agreed, and proceeded to nail Tamar, impregnating her in the process.
After the deed was done, Judah left, and Tamar ran off, changed clothes, and went back to her father’s house. Judah sent his friend to go find the hooker he had banged and give her the goat he had promised. However, his friend couldn’t find her, since she had run off. He asked around, but no one could remember there being any streetwalkers hanging around the place, and so he returned to Judah with the goat.
About three months later, someone told Judah that Tamar was the whore he had slept with, and furthermore she was pregnant. Judah, being morally opposed to abortion, decided to have Tamar burned instead. And so Tamar was brought to him. When she got there, she showed Judah his signet, bracelets, and staff, and told him that she was pregnant by the man who owned these things. Seeing that he was boned, Judah acknowledged that he was the father, and apologized for not giving her Shelah when he should have.
So it came to pass that Tamar had twins. During the birthing process, one of the twins stuck his hand out first, and the midwife tied a red string around his hand so that they would know he was the firstborn. After the string was tied, though, that twin brought his hand back in and the other was delivered first, followed by the one with the string on his hand. Because of this, the one without the string was called Pharez, and the other was called Zarah. Because that’s evidently what those names mean.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Genesis 32-33
This past week was finals week, so I haven't had a bunch of time to write anything not school-related. Since I don't attend a Bible School, this means the translation has suffered some. However, now summer is here, so with any luck I could actually get back to work on this thing.
I did manage to crank out two chapters. I had hoped to do more before posting, but I'm averaging almost 2 full hits a day on this thing, and I can't disappoint my fan. So, here they are.
Genesis 32
Jacob started to head back to his homeland, but at the last minute realized that his brother Esau was probably still trying to kill him, so maybe he should take a step back and figure out a plan first. So, he sent some messengers out to tell Esau that his baby brother Jacob was back, and he brought lots of animals and slaves just in case there’s a need for some bribery.
The messengers came back to Jacob saying Esau was so excited that his brother was back that he was coming to greet them with 400 of his closest and most heavily armed friends. Jacob, not wanting to lose all his stuff, split his entire party into two groups, so that if Esau decided to attack one, the other would have time to escape. Meanwhile, Jacob tried to lay a guilt trip on God, mentioning that God had promised him his seed would be a great nation, and that was going to be difficult to pull off if his brother slaughtered his entire family. So if God didn’t want to find himself on the wrong end of a heavenly lawsuit, he’d better get to saving Jacob’s bacon pretty damn quick.
Deciding that splitting into two camps was not enough, the next day Jacob sent several servants to meet up with Esau and offer him bribes of animals and slaves. That night, not having a lot of faith in his bribery attempt, Jacob sent his two wives and eleven sons across a river so that they wouldn’t be slaughtered. Meanwhile, Jacob suddenly decided his best course of action at this point would be to get involved in a wrestling match with some unknown stranger.
Jacob continued to wrestle the man until he (Jacob) had pinned him. The man begged to be let go because it was almost daybreak. From this we can surmise that Jacob was most likely wrestling a vampire. Jacob refused to let go until the vampire had screamed "Uncle". Um, I mean, until he had agreed to give Jacob a blessing. Same basic idea.
So this vampire, unable to get out of Jacob’s headlock, agreed to bless Jacob in order to avoid being burned to death by the rising Sun. Since a major theme of the Bible so far is to change someone’s name whenever anything significant happens the vampire changes Jacob’s name to Israel. Also, because the "Jacobite-Palestinian Conflict" would sound silly. Anyway, because during the wrestling match the vampire messed up Jacob’s inner thigh (kinky!), the children of Israel aren’t allowed to eat that part of any animal anymore.
Genesis 33
Despite all of Jacob’s efforts to avoid it, Esau and his 400 men eventually caught up with him. Jacob took Leah and her children and put them in front of Rachel and her children, so that the ugly sister would be more likely to be killed first. A true gentleman, that Jacob.
Jacob went and bowed down before Esau, who immediately embraced him and began crying like a little girl. It turns out that despite Jacob’s tomfoolery, Esau had managed to make a pretty good living for himself in the dot-com craze, and wasn’t interested in exacting revenge anymore. Jacob insisted that Esau take his many bribes anyway, and so Esau got a little bit richer thanks to the guilty conscience of his brother.
Jacob then pauses here for a brief public service announcement about the importance of proper animal care. He says that you must not overdrive your flock if it includes baby cows or sheep or whatnot, because they’ll die. Thanks for the tip.
So with the usual “if you need anything, just call” spiel, Esau left Jacob to his own devices. Jacob began wandering again and came upon a land which he called Succoth, presumably because living there succothed. Later, he wandered some more and eventually bought some real estate and built an altar on it, as was his custom.
I did manage to crank out two chapters. I had hoped to do more before posting, but I'm averaging almost 2 full hits a day on this thing, and I can't disappoint my fan. So, here they are.
Genesis 32
Jacob started to head back to his homeland, but at the last minute realized that his brother Esau was probably still trying to kill him, so maybe he should take a step back and figure out a plan first. So, he sent some messengers out to tell Esau that his baby brother Jacob was back, and he brought lots of animals and slaves just in case there’s a need for some bribery.
The messengers came back to Jacob saying Esau was so excited that his brother was back that he was coming to greet them with 400 of his closest and most heavily armed friends. Jacob, not wanting to lose all his stuff, split his entire party into two groups, so that if Esau decided to attack one, the other would have time to escape. Meanwhile, Jacob tried to lay a guilt trip on God, mentioning that God had promised him his seed would be a great nation, and that was going to be difficult to pull off if his brother slaughtered his entire family. So if God didn’t want to find himself on the wrong end of a heavenly lawsuit, he’d better get to saving Jacob’s bacon pretty damn quick.
Deciding that splitting into two camps was not enough, the next day Jacob sent several servants to meet up with Esau and offer him bribes of animals and slaves. That night, not having a lot of faith in his bribery attempt, Jacob sent his two wives and eleven sons across a river so that they wouldn’t be slaughtered. Meanwhile, Jacob suddenly decided his best course of action at this point would be to get involved in a wrestling match with some unknown stranger.
Jacob continued to wrestle the man until he (Jacob) had pinned him. The man begged to be let go because it was almost daybreak. From this we can surmise that Jacob was most likely wrestling a vampire. Jacob refused to let go until the vampire had screamed "Uncle". Um, I mean, until he had agreed to give Jacob a blessing. Same basic idea.
So this vampire, unable to get out of Jacob’s headlock, agreed to bless Jacob in order to avoid being burned to death by the rising Sun. Since a major theme of the Bible so far is to change someone’s name whenever anything significant happens the vampire changes Jacob’s name to Israel. Also, because the "Jacobite-Palestinian Conflict" would sound silly. Anyway, because during the wrestling match the vampire messed up Jacob’s inner thigh (kinky!), the children of Israel aren’t allowed to eat that part of any animal anymore.
Genesis 33
Despite all of Jacob’s efforts to avoid it, Esau and his 400 men eventually caught up with him. Jacob took Leah and her children and put them in front of Rachel and her children, so that the ugly sister would be more likely to be killed first. A true gentleman, that Jacob.
Jacob went and bowed down before Esau, who immediately embraced him and began crying like a little girl. It turns out that despite Jacob’s tomfoolery, Esau had managed to make a pretty good living for himself in the dot-com craze, and wasn’t interested in exacting revenge anymore. Jacob insisted that Esau take his many bribes anyway, and so Esau got a little bit richer thanks to the guilty conscience of his brother.
Jacob then pauses here for a brief public service announcement about the importance of proper animal care. He says that you must not overdrive your flock if it includes baby cows or sheep or whatnot, because they’ll die. Thanks for the tip.
So with the usual “if you need anything, just call” spiel, Esau left Jacob to his own devices. Jacob began wandering again and came upon a land which he called Succoth, presumably because living there succothed. Later, he wandered some more and eventually bought some real estate and built an altar on it, as was his custom.
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