Genesis 32-33

This past week was finals week, so I haven't had a bunch of time to write anything not school-related. Since I don't attend a Bible School, this means the translation has suffered some. However, now summer is here, so with any luck I could actually get back to work on this thing.

I did manage to crank out two chapters. I had hoped to do more before posting, but I'm averaging almost 2 full hits a day on this thing, and I can't disappoint my fan. So, here they are.

Genesis 32

Jacob started to head back to his homeland, but at the last minute realized that his brother Esau was probably still trying to kill him, so maybe he should take a step back and figure out a plan first. So, he sent some messengers out to tell Esau that his baby brother Jacob was back, and he brought lots of animals and slaves just in case there’s a need for some bribery.

The messengers came back to Jacob saying Esau was so excited that his brother was back that he was coming to greet them with 400 of his closest and most heavily armed friends. Jacob, not wanting to lose all his stuff, split his entire party into two groups, so that if Esau decided to attack one, the other would have time to escape. Meanwhile, Jacob tried to lay a guilt trip on God, mentioning that God had promised him his seed would be a great nation, and that was going to be difficult to pull off if his brother slaughtered his entire family. So if God didn’t want to find himself on the wrong end of a heavenly lawsuit, he’d better get to saving Jacob’s bacon pretty damn quick.

Deciding that splitting into two camps was not enough, the next day Jacob sent several servants to meet up with Esau and offer him bribes of animals and slaves. That night, not having a lot of faith in his bribery attempt, Jacob sent his two wives and eleven sons across a river so that they wouldn’t be slaughtered. Meanwhile, Jacob suddenly decided his best course of action at this point would be to get involved in a wrestling match with some unknown stranger.

Jacob continued to wrestle the man until he (Jacob) had pinned him. The man begged to be let go because it was almost daybreak. From this we can surmise that Jacob was most likely wrestling a vampire. Jacob refused to let go until the vampire had screamed "Uncle". Um, I mean, until he had agreed to give Jacob a blessing. Same basic idea.

So this vampire, unable to get out of Jacob’s headlock, agreed to bless Jacob in order to avoid being burned to death by the rising Sun. Since a major theme of the Bible so far is to change someone’s name whenever anything significant happens the vampire changes Jacob’s name to Israel. Also, because the "Jacobite-Palestinian Conflict" would sound silly. Anyway, because during the wrestling match the vampire messed up Jacob’s inner thigh (kinky!), the children of Israel aren’t allowed to eat that part of any animal anymore.

Genesis 33

Despite all of Jacob’s efforts to avoid it, Esau and his 400 men eventually caught up with him. Jacob took Leah and her children and put them in front of Rachel and her children, so that the ugly sister would be more likely to be killed first. A true gentleman, that Jacob.

Jacob went and bowed down before Esau, who immediately embraced him and began crying like a little girl. It turns out that despite Jacob’s tomfoolery, Esau had managed to make a pretty good living for himself in the dot-com craze, and wasn’t interested in exacting revenge anymore. Jacob insisted that Esau take his many bribes anyway, and so Esau got a little bit richer thanks to the guilty conscience of his brother.

Jacob then pauses here for a brief public service announcement about the importance of proper animal care. He says that you must not overdrive your flock if it includes baby cows or sheep or whatnot, because they’ll die. Thanks for the tip.

So with the usual “if you need anything, just call” spiel, Esau left Jacob to his own devices. Jacob began wandering again and came upon a land which he called Succoth, presumably because living there succothed. Later, he wandered some more and eventually bought some real estate and built an altar on it, as was his custom.