Sorry for the long delay between posts. I've been working on a website to replace this blog, and I've sort of neglected adding any actual content. Anyway, the website is at sensiblemadness.com. It's a work in progress, but it's coming along. I'm not a big web design guru or anything, so it's kind of ugly so far, but it's no more than twice as ugly as blogger, and it serves my purposes, so it'll do for now.
Anyway, on to the next two chapters of Genesis. This same content is available on the aforementioned site, by the way.
Genesis 42
As it turned out, the famine that was proving so profitable to Joseph was making things less than comfortable for his father Jacob and his brothers. So, Jacob sent ten of his sons down to Egypt. He kept Benjamin back at home though, because he didn’t want anything bad to happen to him. So, apparently it’s okay if his other sons get murdered along the way or sold into slavery or any of the other nasty things that happened to people back then, but Benjamin needed to be protected.
Anyway, the ten brothers showed up in Egypt, and went to Joseph to buy some grain. Joseph of course recognized his brothers immediately, but thanks to the gobs of makeup Egyptian men wore in those days, none of the brothers recognized Joseph. Joseph, remembering his dreams predicting his brothers would bow down before him, decided to do his damndest to make sure those dreams came true. So, he accused his brothers of being spies and accused them of coming just so they could see how bad off Egypt was, presumably so their vast armies could invade or something of that nature. The brothers pleaded with Joseph, swearing that they were all honest men, and brothers in the same family. Unfortunately, they didn’t know when to keep their big mouths shut, and happened to mention that there was another brother back home. Joseph, seeing an opportunity, demanded that they send one person to bring the other brother to Egypt. To give them time to think of a good response to his demand without any unnecessary distractions, he threw them all in prison.
After three days, Joseph came to them and told them to take some corn back to their family, but bring back their youngest brother. In order to ensure their return, he demanded that one of them stay behind in prison. The other brothers, not realizing Joseph could understand everything they said because he had cleverly decided to speak only through an interpreter, began talking loudly amongst themselves. They decided that this whole mess they were in was all because they had sold their youngest brother into slavery. Reuben, eager to show everyone else up, reminded them that he had been the one to tell them not to just kill the kid, so really, he had saved them all from eternal damnation. So he definitely shouldn’t have to be the one to stay in prison.
Joseph, hearing that his brothers actually felt slightly guilty, turned away and cried like a little girl. He then turned back, took Simeon, and tied him up and threw him in the dungeon. He then ordered them to fill their sacks with corn and then, when they weren’t looking, he slipped their money back in their wallets and sent them on their way. On the way back home, the money was discovered, and the brothers got scared, assuming God was playing one of his infamous practical jokes on them, which likely meant one of them was going to be a pillar of salt soon.
At any rate, the brothers returned to Jacob, and told him they had to take Benjamin back with them. Jacob, having already lost his sons Joseph and Simeon, refused to let them take Benjamin too. Reuben, jumping a little further ahead than one would think prudent in the initial stages of a negotiation, offered to let Jacob kill his two sons if he didn’t return with Simeon and Benjamin, but Jacob still refused, claiming that if anything were to happen to little Benjamin, he (Jacob) would die from sorrow.
Genesis 43
So Jacob’s family ate all of the corn which his sons had brought back from Egypt.
After they had eaten the food, Jacob asked his sons to go back to Egypt to get more. Judah reminded Jacob that the guy that had given them corn had told them not to come back without their youngest brother. Hearing this, Jacob became irate, and asked his sons why they were stupid enough to have told this guy that they had another brother. The brothers protested that the guy had seemed trustworthy enough, and asked them a bunch of questions about their family, which they answered honestly, and how were they supposed to know the dude was going to ask them to bring their other brother over?
Judah volunteered to be responsible for Benjamin, swearing that if anything should happen to Benjamin, it would be totally his (Judah’s) fault. This was a step down from Reuben’s offer to let Jacob kill his two sons, but nevertheless Jacob relented because he was starving.
So, Jacob hatched a plan by which the brothers would return to Egypt with twice the money they needed to buy more corn. He was worried that the money had been left in his sons’ bags by accident, and the Egyptian would be pissed that they had left without paying for their corn. He also gave them some honey, spices, myrrh, nuts, and almonds, which they apparently had plenty of despite being in a major famine, to give to the Egyptian grain merchant as a bribe.
So Jacob’s sons went down to Egypt with their gifts. Joseph, seeing that they had brought Benjamin with them, ordered a feast prepared. Joseph had his servants bring his brothers into his house. Intimidated, the brothers began trying to explain what happened with the money, and trying to give it back before they were beheaded for stealing from Egypt. Joseph’s steward, however, told them it was no big deal, and gave them water and washed their feet and fed their asses. Also, he gave some food to their donkeys.
At this point, Joseph came in and asked the brothers a bunch of questions about their father. Seeing nothing unusual in this, they answered the questions honestly. Joseph then looked at Benjamin, and "his bowels did yearn upon his brother". This, we can only assume, means that Joseph was tempted to hold his brother down and fart on him, just as he had done when they were kids.
Fighting back this temptation, Joseph went off to a corner and once again cried like a little girl. After he had composed himself, he went back and ordered food for his brothers, and ordered food in a separate room for the Egyptian members of his house. Because the Egyptians were a bunch of racists who refused to eat with those dirty Hebrews. So as we can see, Egyptian-Hebrew relations were less than cordial at the time, despite the fact that Pharaoh had allowed his entire kingdom to be run by a Hebrew.
Anyway, Joseph gave Benjamin five times more food than anyone else, and everyone had a grand old time.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Genesis 41
Genesis 41
Two years after freeing his butler and beheading his baker, Pharaoh ate some bad enchiladas one night and had a couple of really wacky dreams. In the first, he saw seven fat cows walk out of a river, followed by seven lean and sickly cows. Suddenly, like a scene out of a bad horror movie, the seven sickly skinny cows devoured the seven fat cows.
Pharaoh woke up screaming, but soon fell back to sleep. In his second dream, he saw seven healthy ears of corn grow on one stalk. Then, seven nasty thin and wind-blasted ears showed up on the stalk right next to it. As if the cow cannibalism wasn’t bad enough, the seven thin ears of corn suddenly devoured the seven healthy ears. Completely horrified, Pharaoh woke up shaking and vowing to behead his cook at the first opportunity for making those damn enchiladas. Oh, he also sent for all the magicians in Egypt, in hopes that one of them could tell him what the hell those dreams meant, other than that he needed to adjust his medication.
His butler, who happened to be butling in the general area at the time, heard Pharaoh complain about his dreams, and suddenly remembered that jailer that had interpreted his dreams oh so long ago. So Pharaoh sent for Joseph, who was brought from the dungeon, shaved, given a new clean set of formal rags, and sent to interpret some dreams. Pharaoh asked if Joseph could interpret dreams, and Joseph, trying not to sound too arrogant, said it was really God who interpreted the dreams, but Joseph could talk to God, so that’s how it worked. Because in Egypt, interpreting dreams was way more impressive than talking directly to God.
Anyway, Pharaoh wasted 8 verses repeating the dreams to Joseph, and Joseph made the astounding revelation that both dreams were about the same thing. Joseph then went on to say the dreams meant Egypt would soon be attacked by a wave of zombie cannibal cows, and the only way to stop them would be to breed a race of ravenous corn which would eat the cows, but would also eat all of their food crops, but hey it beats being eaten by zombie cannibal cows. Not really.
Seriously though, Joseph told Pharaoh the dreams meant Egypt would have seven years of great harvests, followed by seven years of famine. He also claimed that since there were two dreams about the same event, that meant God had already decided this is how it was going to be, so don’t bother begging him to change it, and by the way it was going to happen Real Soon Now. Joseph said that Egypt should find a discreet and wise man to rule over all of Egypt and appoint henchmen to take 20% of the harvest from all the farmers in the land and store it in preparation for the famine to come.
Pharaoh, noticing that Joseph kept pointing to himself when he referred to a "discreet and wise man", and also noticing Joseph had tattooed "discreet" on his right hand and "wise" on his left, decided to give Joseph the job. He gave Joseph his ring and gave him a nice suit and some jewelry and made him ruler over the entire country. He also gave Joseph a ridiculously long and impossible to pronounce name (Zaphnathpaaneah) and gave him a wife. So, apparently dream interpretation was pretty good work if you could get it.
During the seven years of plenty, Joseph and his goons went out and took 20% of the grain produced in Egypt and stored it away, as he had said they would do. Then, when the seven years of famine came along, Joseph set up shop and sold the grain back to the people from which he had taken it. In this way, nobody starved, and Joseph made a tidy profit. Also, during this time his wife popped out two younguns named Manasseh and Ephraim.
Two years after freeing his butler and beheading his baker, Pharaoh ate some bad enchiladas one night and had a couple of really wacky dreams. In the first, he saw seven fat cows walk out of a river, followed by seven lean and sickly cows. Suddenly, like a scene out of a bad horror movie, the seven sickly skinny cows devoured the seven fat cows.
Pharaoh woke up screaming, but soon fell back to sleep. In his second dream, he saw seven healthy ears of corn grow on one stalk. Then, seven nasty thin and wind-blasted ears showed up on the stalk right next to it. As if the cow cannibalism wasn’t bad enough, the seven thin ears of corn suddenly devoured the seven healthy ears. Completely horrified, Pharaoh woke up shaking and vowing to behead his cook at the first opportunity for making those damn enchiladas. Oh, he also sent for all the magicians in Egypt, in hopes that one of them could tell him what the hell those dreams meant, other than that he needed to adjust his medication.
His butler, who happened to be butling in the general area at the time, heard Pharaoh complain about his dreams, and suddenly remembered that jailer that had interpreted his dreams oh so long ago. So Pharaoh sent for Joseph, who was brought from the dungeon, shaved, given a new clean set of formal rags, and sent to interpret some dreams. Pharaoh asked if Joseph could interpret dreams, and Joseph, trying not to sound too arrogant, said it was really God who interpreted the dreams, but Joseph could talk to God, so that’s how it worked. Because in Egypt, interpreting dreams was way more impressive than talking directly to God.
Anyway, Pharaoh wasted 8 verses repeating the dreams to Joseph, and Joseph made the astounding revelation that both dreams were about the same thing. Joseph then went on to say the dreams meant Egypt would soon be attacked by a wave of zombie cannibal cows, and the only way to stop them would be to breed a race of ravenous corn which would eat the cows, but would also eat all of their food crops, but hey it beats being eaten by zombie cannibal cows. Not really.
Seriously though, Joseph told Pharaoh the dreams meant Egypt would have seven years of great harvests, followed by seven years of famine. He also claimed that since there were two dreams about the same event, that meant God had already decided this is how it was going to be, so don’t bother begging him to change it, and by the way it was going to happen Real Soon Now. Joseph said that Egypt should find a discreet and wise man to rule over all of Egypt and appoint henchmen to take 20% of the harvest from all the farmers in the land and store it in preparation for the famine to come.
Pharaoh, noticing that Joseph kept pointing to himself when he referred to a "discreet and wise man", and also noticing Joseph had tattooed "discreet" on his right hand and "wise" on his left, decided to give Joseph the job. He gave Joseph his ring and gave him a nice suit and some jewelry and made him ruler over the entire country. He also gave Joseph a ridiculously long and impossible to pronounce name (Zaphnathpaaneah) and gave him a wife. So, apparently dream interpretation was pretty good work if you could get it.
During the seven years of plenty, Joseph and his goons went out and took 20% of the grain produced in Egypt and stored it away, as he had said they would do. Then, when the seven years of famine came along, Joseph set up shop and sold the grain back to the people from which he had taken it. In this way, nobody starved, and Joseph made a tidy profit. Also, during this time his wife popped out two younguns named Manasseh and Ephraim.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Genesis 39-40
Sorry about the lack of posts recently...life keeps getting in the way.
I'm also looking to move this thing to a dedicated host at some point in the relatively near future, since blogspot kind of sucks for this sort of thing.
Anyway, here are two more chapters of Genesis.
Genesis 39
To recap, Joseph, after annoying his brothers with his constant tattling and predictions they would all bow down before him, got sold to some nomads called the Ishmeelites, who in turn sold him to Potiphar, who put him to work.
As it turned out, Joseph was really good at whatever it was that Potiphar was making him do, and so he was given a promotion to House Overseer, which not only came with a nicer room, but also a 30% reduction in beatings. Joseph likewise excelled at his new position, and made Potiphar even more obscenely rich than he already was. Potiphar eventually came to trust Joseph so much that he gave Joseph control over every aspect of his household, to the point where all he (Potiphar) had to do was sit around getting fed grapes all day while his wealth grew at the hands of Joseph.
Unfortunately for Joseph, Potiphar had a bit of a hussy for a wife. One day, Potiphar’s wife tried to seduce Joseph, but he refused, saying that he wouldn’t want to repay Potiphar’s kindness by banging his wife. Potiphar’s wife, not accustomed to being refused, and also not aware of how desperate she must have looked, tried to get Joseph to sleep with her on a daily basis. Joseph did his best to avoid her, but one day he really had to pee so he went into the house and ran right into her. Since there was no one else around, she started to really lay it on thick. Joseph was really in no mood for her shenanigans, and besides his back teeth were floating, so he turned and tried to run while she was still holding his shirt. His shirt came off in her hands, and he ran off.
Potiphar’s wife, seeing that Joseph had left his shirt, called out to the other men in the house and told them that Joseph had tried to rape her, but luckily she managed to scream loud enough to scare him so badly that he forgot to take his shirt with him as he ran off. Potiphar, wisely deciding to trust his primary nooky provider over the man whom he had entrusted with all of his affairs for years, threw Joseph in prison. Once in prison, Joseph repeated his old act and kissed up to the prison keeper to the point where he was put in charge of all the other prisoners. As Potiphar before him had done, the prison keeper let Joseph do whatever he wanted, and Joseph made the place into a model prison, which in those days likely meant that he developed a highly efficient beating and starvation program.
Genesis 40
It came to pass that Pharaoh’s butler and baker offended him in some way, possibly by forgetting to grovel sufficiently when bringing him his wine and cake, and so he threw them in prison. As luck would have it, they landed in Joseph’s prison, and he was put in charge of them. After a year in prison, they both had a dream on the same night. Since apparently not having someone tell you what your dream meant was a big problem in Egypt, they were both very depressed that no dream interpreters had offended Pharaoh recently. Joseph saw that they were upset, even though they hadn't even received their daily beatings yet, and asked them what their problem was. After hearing of this whole dream interpretation thing, Joseph offered to interpret the dreams for them.
The butler had dreamed of a vine with three branches that sprouted grapes. In this dream, the butler took the grapes, made grape juice, and gave Pharaoh a cup of it. Joseph stated that this meant that the butler would get his old job back in three days. Then, Joseph gave the butler a business card and asked him to put a good word in with Pharaoh, since he was getting kind of tired of hanging out in a prison all day every day.
The baker, seeing that the butler’s dream meant he was getting out of that shithole of a prison, asked Joseph to interpret his dream too. The baker’s dream was of him holding three baskets of bread on his head. Birds came and ate the bread from the top basket. Joseph told him this meant that Pharaoh would have him hanged in three days, and birds would eat his flesh. For some reason, the baker was not thrilled by this interpretation.
Fortunately for the butler, and unfortunately for the baker, both of Joseph’s predictions came true. Unfortunately for Joseph, the butler later accidentally used the business card Joseph had given him to write down his phone number for this cute girl at the Pyramid Club, and so never got around to mentioning Joseph to Pharaoh.
I'm also looking to move this thing to a dedicated host at some point in the relatively near future, since blogspot kind of sucks for this sort of thing.
Anyway, here are two more chapters of Genesis.
Genesis 39
To recap, Joseph, after annoying his brothers with his constant tattling and predictions they would all bow down before him, got sold to some nomads called the Ishmeelites, who in turn sold him to Potiphar, who put him to work.
As it turned out, Joseph was really good at whatever it was that Potiphar was making him do, and so he was given a promotion to House Overseer, which not only came with a nicer room, but also a 30% reduction in beatings. Joseph likewise excelled at his new position, and made Potiphar even more obscenely rich than he already was. Potiphar eventually came to trust Joseph so much that he gave Joseph control over every aspect of his household, to the point where all he (Potiphar) had to do was sit around getting fed grapes all day while his wealth grew at the hands of Joseph.
Unfortunately for Joseph, Potiphar had a bit of a hussy for a wife. One day, Potiphar’s wife tried to seduce Joseph, but he refused, saying that he wouldn’t want to repay Potiphar’s kindness by banging his wife. Potiphar’s wife, not accustomed to being refused, and also not aware of how desperate she must have looked, tried to get Joseph to sleep with her on a daily basis. Joseph did his best to avoid her, but one day he really had to pee so he went into the house and ran right into her. Since there was no one else around, she started to really lay it on thick. Joseph was really in no mood for her shenanigans, and besides his back teeth were floating, so he turned and tried to run while she was still holding his shirt. His shirt came off in her hands, and he ran off.
Potiphar’s wife, seeing that Joseph had left his shirt, called out to the other men in the house and told them that Joseph had tried to rape her, but luckily she managed to scream loud enough to scare him so badly that he forgot to take his shirt with him as he ran off. Potiphar, wisely deciding to trust his primary nooky provider over the man whom he had entrusted with all of his affairs for years, threw Joseph in prison. Once in prison, Joseph repeated his old act and kissed up to the prison keeper to the point where he was put in charge of all the other prisoners. As Potiphar before him had done, the prison keeper let Joseph do whatever he wanted, and Joseph made the place into a model prison, which in those days likely meant that he developed a highly efficient beating and starvation program.
Genesis 40
It came to pass that Pharaoh’s butler and baker offended him in some way, possibly by forgetting to grovel sufficiently when bringing him his wine and cake, and so he threw them in prison. As luck would have it, they landed in Joseph’s prison, and he was put in charge of them. After a year in prison, they both had a dream on the same night. Since apparently not having someone tell you what your dream meant was a big problem in Egypt, they were both very depressed that no dream interpreters had offended Pharaoh recently. Joseph saw that they were upset, even though they hadn't even received their daily beatings yet, and asked them what their problem was. After hearing of this whole dream interpretation thing, Joseph offered to interpret the dreams for them.
The butler had dreamed of a vine with three branches that sprouted grapes. In this dream, the butler took the grapes, made grape juice, and gave Pharaoh a cup of it. Joseph stated that this meant that the butler would get his old job back in three days. Then, Joseph gave the butler a business card and asked him to put a good word in with Pharaoh, since he was getting kind of tired of hanging out in a prison all day every day.
The baker, seeing that the butler’s dream meant he was getting out of that shithole of a prison, asked Joseph to interpret his dream too. The baker’s dream was of him holding three baskets of bread on his head. Birds came and ate the bread from the top basket. Joseph told him this meant that Pharaoh would have him hanged in three days, and birds would eat his flesh. For some reason, the baker was not thrilled by this interpretation.
Fortunately for the butler, and unfortunately for the baker, both of Joseph’s predictions came true. Unfortunately for Joseph, the butler later accidentally used the business card Joseph had given him to write down his phone number for this cute girl at the Pyramid Club, and so never got around to mentioning Joseph to Pharaoh.
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